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Is this story going well or getting dull?

Is this story going well or getting dull? Topic: Small story writing paper
June 25, 2019 / By Gracie
Question: Now joseph Fitzgerald was a very ordinary sort of guy. The sort of guy whos name suited his personality perfectly, dreary and overworked. Joseph worked a nine to five job at a very large multinational corporation, he had been working in the same, job, same office and at the same battered old sienna desk chair for over 12 years now and seemed to be making no progression in furthering his career no matter how many hours he spent filling out mundane paper work and how many holidays he spent working. It was joseph’s perspective that the company would have laid him off years ago if they hadn’t forgotten he existed. Joseph watched day after day as bright eye-d baby faced gentleman exited the elevator on his floor and buoyantly strutted past the glass wall of joseph’s office. He could remember a time in which he was so youthful and full of sprit. A time in which his back didn’t ache after the long hours spent in traffic a time in which joseph had dreams, a time in which his future had prosperity. February 22nd the year was 1996 joseph had never felt so sure of anything. The 2 hours in his new ford Torres flew by as he yerned to step through those revolving glass doors into the brisk chilled air, not quite fresh however homely. The smell of newly sharpened pencils and well maintained electronic devices would linguer in josephs nostrils, he didn’t mind for him this was what life was all about. This was power. Joseph’s reminiscing was interrupted with a clink clink ca-clunk, the stapler was out of staples for the third time this week. Joseph sighed with discontentment as it was only Tuesday. In a daze joseph began to stare at the small figurine of an aquatic animal holding a fishing rod that sat angled on the edge of his desk, at the bottom there was a small slogan written in german, a language joseph had always wanted to learn but never got around to. Suddenly a new memory flooded into josephs mind. Christmas eve 1999, there was a big office party, waiters danced around carring trays filled with h’orderves, other waiters balanced as if they were walking on a wire at the circus trying not to spill glasses of Chardonnay thankyou, yes i know, it's a hurried draft for a belonging story Joseph was caught up in the glamour whisked away at the more than gentle hum of merry voices. However there was one voice Joseph longed to hear, he scanned the room with all his senses like a blood hound on the hunt until, there she was her enormous captivating brown eyes met with his and everything else was gone, everything he had dreamt of faded to the back of his mind as, almost gliding he found himself at her side. Joseph sank into a depressive state after thinking of Abigail Wilton, she was undoubtedly a major change evoker in joseph’s life. After many years of chasing after Abigail’s affections it was august 17th 2002 joseph had bought an elegant princess cut stone and thinking he had judged Miss wiltons signs correctly had planned to propose today in the copy room, the place he found most romantic. Nothing to him spelt Love and commitment like warm documents straight from the printer. At 12.14pm Abigail entered the copy room as she did most days in order to get the contracts o
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Best Answers: Is this story going well or getting dull?

Devon Devon | 7 days ago
I really like it. Your vocabulary and word choice is perfect and the scene does very well at displaying hints of existentialism which I have always though is a great thing to base a story off of.. The only thing I have a complaint about is your spelling and punctuation. Both need some work if you are to be taken seriously. Aside from that it`s great so far and I would enjoy reading more.
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Devon Originally Answered: Is this story going well or getting dull?
I really like it. Your vocabulary and word choice is perfect and the scene does very well at displaying hints of existentialism which I have always though is a great thing to base a story off of.. The only thing I have a complaint about is your spelling and punctuation. Both need some work if you are to be taken seriously. Aside from that it`s great so far and I would enjoy reading more.

Devon Originally Answered: Do these two pieces of writing sound dull and boring? Can you suggest any edits?
Hello Rainbow Kittens, Piece 1: I think you put Maddie and Bella together so much that they start to become one. I know this is just an excerpt (right?), and you may have provided more information somewhere else, but I feel I need to know how Maddie and Bella always make a mess of things. That sentence is not very clear. You mention Maddie and Bella and Jake in a group chat. Do they still have that on the computer or is it on the phone? You said "Maddie then decided to add me so I could see what the harmless question had spawned into." What was the question? Initially you said the girls were trying to get Jake to go to the spring dance with you - was that the "harmless question?" It might be a good idea to actually include the question. For example, you might try, Maddie and Bella asked Jake if he would go to the spring dance with me, but that question turned into a childish disaster that basically lasted all night. I suggest you watch your syntax and also try to provide more information to your readers. Piece 2: In the first two paragraphs, I can't tell where you are going. You say you are headed toward the cafe, but then you say you are trying to get away. “Shut up, you whores!” I startle even myself with my harsh words. I’m never this harsh." I always try not to use the same word in subsequent sentences. You might try, I am startled by my words; I am rarely that harsh. "The three of them give me looks of shock." I'm sure you've heard the old adage of show don't tell. I suggest describing their shock; have your readers see the girl's shock by showing their looks. Mouths open, eyes wide, and so on. "I turn and walk to the cafe, leaving them behind. I was in no mood to hear anything else they had to say." This is a good example of what I mean by syntax. The first sentence is in the present tense, but the second sentence is past tense. You could try, "I am in no mood to hear anything else they have to say," leaving the first sentence as is. Good luck with this. Looks pretty interesting. Sue
Devon Originally Answered: Do these two pieces of writing sound dull and boring? Can you suggest any edits?
I actually love these pieces I think they're really good... I'm a writer too, and from "writer to writer" I think that these pieces are really well done. They are soooo not dull or boring. Don't mind if someone says they are. My favourite one is piece 2, because I think it had more attitude. It was really interesting to read, and if you ever do finish this "chapter, page, book" (what ever you're aiming for) I'd really like to read it. My suggestion is that you might not want to put double exclamation marks on your sentence. (sorry if you accidentally put that there and I'm so rude by pointing it out.) If you are really writing this (and maybe you just didn't want to put them in on Yahoo... but) you'll want to add indentations to every paragraph. Otherwise besides me checking your grammar I think the pieces are fine!

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