Topic: Morning papers writing
May 21, 2019 / By Gretel Question:
Its called " Something Unique"
“Look! A HOBO!”
I walked into class with faded jeans, a camouflage T-shirt, and my black hair in a long, messy, ponytail.
“Look!” Shouted someone, “it’s a HOBO!”
I sighed and continued walking to my seat. I sat down and pulled out an old, crumpled notebook. I took out my pencil and wrote on the cover: Unique Apple. I grinned a fake smile. Today, was my first day in County Brook Middle School. It was already mid- October.
“Watcha’ doin’?” The boy in front of me asked.
“I’m sitting…” I replied.
“Cool, were ya’ from?”
“Austin.” I said unpacking my backpack.
“Austin?” He said.
“You know, Austin, Texas.”
He nodded and continued on with his work. Everyone in a while he glanced up at me. I saw his name written sloppily on his paper: Jason.
About 40 minutes into class the intercom came on.
“Will Unique Apple please report to the office?”
“Apple? Some apple! What an odd name! Stupid. Apple the hobo!”
Mean comments poured through the room. I walked quickly into the hallway. Once I was in the hallway I kicked a locker and started to cry. I slowly shuffled my way to the office.
When I got into the office I sat in a large, leather chair. A lady in a red dress came out.
“Hello,” She shook my hand, “My name is Mrs. Abby, come with me, wont you?”
I followed her down a hallway filled with the noises of typing, and pencils to paper.
We arrived in a room filled with other student. She sat me next to a girl who reeked of perfume.
“Good morning students, welcome to support group.”
No one replied.
“How are you today?”
Once again no one said anything.
“Alright then, lets begin introducing ourselves to the new girl. Her name is Unique. ”
Everyone looked towards me. There was about 6 other children in the room. One boy on the other side of the room sat criss-cross in his chair. He was wearing a dirty, orange shirt that said “Sponge Bob!”, a pair of green shorts and a pair of red rubber boots, he looked no older that 10. He sat and twiddled his thumbs. One girl stood up.
“Hey, my name is Sasha, I’m 12, and I’m in here because, well I don’t know why.” She shrugged and sat down.
Another girl stood:
“Hello, my name is Hailey, I’m in here because I get in trouble to much.”
“Hey, I’m Kat, I’m like… Stupid.”
“Sup’, I’m Danny, I’m um… 13? Yah, I’m 13.”
And the last girl.
“Hi, I’m Nichole, I’m in here because I have a bad life at home and I want to be a better person.”
And finally, the only boy.
“Uh, I’m… um, Casper… And I’m ugh, 12... And I in here, ugh, cause I’m autistic.”
The other girls giggled, I glared into his deep green eyes. I could tell he was different, I just could. He had brown, shaggy hair, and an amazing smile. He grabbed a blue turtle- neck sweater off his chair and tried to get it on. The teacher stood up to help him.
“NO!” He yelled, “I GOT IT!”
She flinched and walked back to her chair.
Diamanda | 1 day ago
I, personally, liked you describing yourself up front. It gave me a clear picture of who was telling the story. When you can envision the person, it makes the story make more sense.
Change this: "Everyone in a while he glanced up at me. I saw his name written sloppily on his paper: Jason." Try this instead: Every once in a while, he would glance up at me.
Ouch! Two mistakes, two HUGE mistakes made in the first chapter. Not good at all!
The first - your character. You described your character too soon and all in one. NO! If you are planning on making this grow, (as the story should) then you let your character develop as the story plays the role of the character out. Instead of it being crammed in one, it is spread out then, just how it should be, making the reader not get bored STRAIGHT away.
Second - Too much speech. Yes, OK, I'll give it to you that you have wrote a few paragraphs out in between speech, but it is still way too much to be all in one. In the middle of the story, yes! That will be perfect, but straight away? No, you shouldn't really wanting to be doing that. If your writing in first person, then it is easier to write about the things that happening around you, meaning more paragraphs in between your speech, not getting your reader bored.
You shouldn't describe your character right off the spot..that's more telling then showing. You want to have your novel showing not telling. Let the characters create themselves.