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Hows my writing based on 1-10, fairly short?

Hows my writing based on 1-10, fairly short? Topic: How to write a short story in present tense
July 16, 2019 / By Fortune
Question: I need to correct it and stuff still, I'm working on it and its still a rough. The whole basis of the book is about a girl in teen years, trying to escape the world of depression and self destruction. From a sorrowful beginning to a passionate ending about her journey. "Life is like the production of a movie, if you put effort into the making of it, itll be worth watching in the end" - the quote I'm using for the story Beginning: Good start? I glared at the gentle light coming outside my window, I sighed and turned and tossed around in my sloppy bed, wishing and hoping the day would soon be over even though the light marked the beginning of it. I rubbed in my eyes in disbelief at the condition of my room, messy, unorganized, just like my life. I yawned and stood still wondering why of all the people was my world crashing down but really it was me who was crashing down, and at this point I didn’t know how to get back up. I was drying up, the green in me was now being sucked out, where was my once liveliness going; only it knows. I stood in front of the dreadful mirror, I studied what I saw and I begin to disappear into the reflection I saw. I felt disappointment at what I had become, they say you should cherish your body no matter what shape or size, well what if you destroyed your body. Over the past years I’ve ate out of sorrow, slept to remain in the realm of dreams, and have done nothing but imagine what my life should be like rather than what it really is. Reality was slowly suffocating me, and I was allowing it, fear had dug its way into my heart, and now I was frozen while it clutched me. My courage had become nonexistent, I assume it slowly drifted far from me after I stopped challenging reality and let it begin its course in ruining me.
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Best Answers: Hows my writing based on 1-10, fairly short?

Dani Dani | 2 days ago
I'm going to help edit this. I'll post a section of your original writing and then that section again with my edits. I glared at the gentle light coming outside my window, I sighed and turned and tossed around in my sloppy bed, wishing and hoping the day would soon be over even though the light marked the beginning of it. (This sentence is really long. Shorten it by making it into several sentences like this.) I glared at the gentle light coming from my window. Sighing, I turned around in my sloppy bed, wishing the day would soon be over, even though the light marked the beginning of it. I rubbed in my eyes in disbelief at the condition of my room, messy, unorganized, just like my life. I yawned and stood still wondering why of all the people was my world crashing down but really it was me who was crashing down, and at this point I didn’t know how to get back up. I was drying up, the green in me was now being sucked out, where was my once liveliness going; only it knows. (I'm going to make some simple edits in this one, punctuation and things.) I rubbed (remove the word 'in') my eyes in disbelief at the condition of my room, messy, unorganized, just like my life. I yawned and stood still(comma) wondering why(I'm switching up the sentence a bit to make it more understandable) of all people in this world, mine was crashing down. (New sentence. Rearranging it to be more understandable) Maybe it was just me who was crashing down, and at this point I didn't know how to get back up. (I'd leave out the whole green thing being sucked out. It sounds funny.) Where was my (remove word 'once') liveliness going? (either make this into two sentences or keep the semicolon and put a question mark after 'knows') Only it knows. I stood in front of the dreadful mirror, I studied what I saw and I begin to disappear into the reflection I saw. I felt disappointment at what I had become, they say you should cherish your body no matter what shape or size, well what if you destroyed your body. Over the past years I’ve ate out of sorrow, slept to remain in the realm of dreams, and have done nothing but imagine what my life should be like rather than what it really is. (you say 'I' a lot in this sentence, I'm going to fix that and do some simple edits again.) I stood in front of the dreadful mirror(period) Studying what I saw, I began(you changed to present tense in your pargraph. Keep in same tense for duration of story.) to disappear into the reflection. Disappointment sunk in, for what I had become.(period0 They say you should cherish your body no matter what shape or size, but what if you destroyed your body(question mark) Over the past years I've slept, hoping to remain in the realm of dreams, and have done nothing but imagine what my life should be like(comma) rather than what it really is. Reality was slowly suffocating me, and I was allowing it(period) Fear had dug its way into my heart, and (remove word 'now') I was frozen while it clutched me. My courage had become nonexistent(period) I assume it had slowly drifted from me after I stopped challenging reality, and let it run its course through me. Ruining me. Overall it's kind of confusing. You need a really strong beginning to pull people in. You use a lot of unnecessary descriptions. I'm not trying at all to be rude, I just want to give some constructive criticism, in order to make you a better writer. I would rate it a 4, but with some edits and improvements it could be a ten. Don't give up and keep trying.
👍 192 | 👎 2
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We found more questions related to the topic: How to write a short story in present tense


Dani Originally Answered: Hows my writing?:3 I really want to know.be honest,but not too hurtful?
I'll give you a step by step analysis of the good and bad points including suggestions for improvement. Nice start, sets a quick atmosphere to catch the reader's attention. You're focusing on the wrong aspects of the wolves. Explain why they're scary, not what colour they are (They emerged from the vegetation, crushing the grass beneath their rough and jagged claws). You already mentioned she was terrified, there's no need to repeat it with the same word. Give her a physical response (shaking, trembling). Use punctuation with "I'm going to die" Exclamation points make it exciting, full stops make it a blank statement. Poor word choice between "transfixed" and "paralyzed". They mean the same thing, so the latter is unneeded. The next couple of lines are good, but Rain's interaction with Josiah needs work. The sentence structure is poor (He glared fiercely at her with his dark and grim eyes, while she looked back with a rounded and bright blue stare). You're using commas far too often. Either try and fit it into a stable sentence with few commas or break it up into several sentences (Her pounding heart was the only part of her that could move. The rest was caught in a dreadful mix of fear and fascination). "The tension in the air was so thick that you could cut it with a knife". Get rid of that old and tired cliche, come up with something more original (Nothing could break this atmosphere. Nothing dared to try). The rest is pretty good, nothing else to complain about at least. Even without context you manage to clearly get across Rain and Josiah's dynamic fairly well. Take care of those other errors and you'll have a decent piece of writing here.

Bonita Bonita
Wow! That is GOOD! I would rate it a 9 though. I understand that this girl is depressed and stuff but as a reader, and this is my opinion, i would at least want her to see something that is good in life so it doesn't also make me depressed. Just one thing that makes her happy like maybe a dog coming to her room and listening to her problems because that's what I do when I am sad. I talk to my dog and he just sits and listens to me and no one else will do that. If this book was published, I would definitely read it! You have a potential career ahead of you and trust me I'm not just saying that to say it! Good luck and remember to try liven it up so the reader doesn't become depressed too! :)
👍 80 | 👎 -4

Alannah Alannah
It's pretentious. [ but really it was me who was crashing down, and at this point I didn’t know how to get back up. I was drying up, the green in me was now being sucked out ] Pick just one metaphor and stick with it. You're like a thesaurus of despair. [ My courage had become nonexistent, I assume it slowly drifted far from me after I stopped challenging reality and let it begin its course in ruining me. ] Nouns and verbs, please. If you've a story to tell, you can't just reference it on the side while your protagonist beats herself up.
👍 79 | 👎 -10

Trenton Trenton
five'10 -five'eleven is beautiful usual for a man, im a lady and im five'eleven however im particularly tall for a woman. Dont be insecure approximately your peak, it particularly wrecks your trust round different persons. simply be taught to reside along with your peak, it is going to look find it irresistible issues however particularly it doesnt. Any woman that is going for any individual simply coz they are tall isntt valued at having besides, you realize what i imply?
👍 78 | 👎 -16

Trenton Originally Answered: If your awake, can you help me? IS THIS PLAGIARISM? Im writing a short story for my creative writing class, a?
If you know this is a direct quote it IS plagiarism! You can, however look the phrase up maybe by google-ing it to find out who wrote it or you can paraphrase it somehow and say that is by an unknown author but you cannot claim it as your own! Say something like "as the man once said "........ ............. ..........." I hope it works out for you.

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