Which Poem is better I wrote them both?
Topic: How to write a first person poem
July 16, 2019 / By Flore Question:
Death looked me in the eye once
He asked me "what makes you different from the rest in the world"
At first I didn't know how to answer
He asked again "what makes you different from the rest"
I opened my mouth to speak
But he raised his hand for silence and he had it
"What makes you different from the rest is that you are happy to see me"
Death looked me in the eye once and I grinned
In the tombstone of my mind I found him
He was everything I didn't want to be
Anything and everything I despised drenched him
Though I almost hated him; he was still a part of me
I looked across the space to see my face
My charachter flaws
Well I wrote both of these poem and am wondering which one people think is better so what do you think?
Best Answers: Which Poem is better I wrote them both?
Dalilah | 2 days ago
sorry in advance I'm an extremely blunt person.
Poem 1 is incredibly interesting and deep, maybe even more than you realize. The problem is that it is poorly written. I interpreted the theme as being someone with a large ego trying to plea with death to not take her. She was however unsuccessful in finding any reason why death shouldn't take her before the next person. Proving that we are not all as different as we think and we are not necessarily better than those we look down upon. In the last two lines the poem becomes self contradictory and the main character becomes suicidal. This poem has a lot of potential and is very good but im a critic and i think it needs to be developed further. Poem two is polar opposite well written but uninteresting to me.
keep up the good work.
👍 172 | 👎 2
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We found more questions related to the topic: How to write a first person poem
Originally Answered: How is the poem I wrote?
It's pretty good. I'd probably add some details about the field trip next so that it has more sensory (sight, sound, taste, hearing, touch) details. Was the rest of the field trip sort of less interesting due to the fact of not having parents with you? I actually don't remember any field trips at all where parents were allowed to come, unless they had signed up as chaperones.
I LIKE THIS POEM BETTER : The town lighting are obtrusive via the decide upon of the window Little teens sneaking of their rooms on tippy feet Across the road are the adults ripping each and every different’s garments off their backs Maximum volumes of the radios within the vehicle bumped up vibrated via residence The rumbling awful loud night breathing of father and mother within the room throughout The pillow endure gating my face isn’t a lot of a help The thumping in my head rotating round viciously Sweat gushing round in my bones The flashing reflections of the galaxy The think of the A.C. pushing the febreze smell in each and every room In and out Shadows of my hand around the room The wind blowing fiercely and bushes pushing in opposition to the fence Echoes of the drive relocating swiftly external Running around the road, as town lighting comply with me The autos rushing down the intersection Slowly, my eye lid near and I am performed wishing I was once else wherein
👍 70 | 👎 -4
If prefer poem A, but recommend you edit here:
"At first I didn't know how to answer
I opened my mouth to speak
He raised his hand for silence, and had it.
'What makes you different from the rest is that you are happy to see --'
Death looked to me, and I grinned"
The rest feels a bit redundant and predictable. I never want to change a poet's vision or pretend to be a great poet! This is a good poem! Great luck with it!
👍 69 | 👎 -10
the first ones really cool. i like the repitition of the "death looked at me in the eye" bit. made the poem sound kinda catchy.
the second one's ok too. but the second last doesn't call out to me. like how it has 2 rhyming words in a single line (space and face). the first line is cool though
overall, i like the first one better
👍 68 | 👎 -16
Originally Answered: What do you think of the poem i wrote?
Overall, I liked it! You brought to light a fairly controversial issue & nailed all the points head on. :)
What I liked about this poem is how you arranged it; you arranged it into 5 neat & tidy verses which is easier on the eyes of the readers. Not only that, the rhyming and rhythm were on point as well. Even though I do see one of the respondent's point about poetry being more than just a literal piece of writing, I personally think that poetry can be written in any style or form the writer wishes or desires to write it. So I don't mind that it's got a blunt sort of approach at all. In the end of the day, the end product is still a poem. And hey, with that sort of approach or tone to the poem, I can definitely see this piece of writing as a protest poem like the other respondent had noted, and the precise rhyme & rhythm to this piece does also amplify that aspect even more. I might go a bit further to say that this is a very powerful piece of writing!
All in all, a really interesting & educational read. Well done! I can tell you took the time to not only write this, but the extra initiative to research a bit before you write, which is great! And good on you as well to have the courage to put up a piece of writing conveying a fairly controversial issue such as the fur trade. This is A+ material no doubt! A 10/10. Keep on writing! You do seem like a very intelligent & talented writer. Keep up the good work! Peace!