Smoke and Paint; The beginning to the novel I'm writing? Opinions on the piece? :)?

Smoke and Paint; The beginning to the novel I'm writing? Opinions on the piece? :)? Topic: Writing opinions
July 22, 2019 / By Elfrida
Question: Smoke and Paint; The beginning to the novel I'm writing? Opinions on the piece? :)? In two minutes and thirty-seven seconds, I'm going to find out something that is going to completely flip my world up. Thirty-six... Thirty-five.... Right now it's 1; 26 pm on May 17th of 2010. I remember the moment exactly like it was yesterday. I was wearing my leather jacket, my black cap, my blue System of a Down tee-shirt, my face was clean shaved, I was was wearing black jeans with chains connecting through the pocket to the belt loop, and my black vans. I had been looking at Jakoby as he rattled on about how the girls in the school all hate him and are never ever going to be attracted to him[There's a reason for that bud!] There was an empty spot to the left of me, reserved for Gray but she hadn't been there yet. Wei was siting on my right fiddling with a black strand of her hair, and Mercedes was sitting in House's lap next to her, with finally Marshall next to Mercy and House. Across from me, sat Jakoby, fiddling with whatever slop the school was feeding us. Micah and Garret were sitting next to him, just eating and nodding every once in awhile like fools. Catherine and Rachael had found us and brought some more chairs to the table, and the sat down at the north and south ends. I remember Jakoby rambling on for the next two minutes, giving me thirty-four seconds left till the bomb that blew up my mind dropped. He then said something about Felicia and I looked up, quirking my left eyebrow. "What?" I asked, finally snapping back into my cruel reality. "I was saying how do you do it Silas? Get the easiest girls to stay with you? We -all- know about Felicia, or as you call her, Felley." he gave me a stupid smirk and I stood up, making a fist with my hand. "What did you say about Fel pretty boy?" I had shouted, and Jakoby sank down in his chair a bit. I rolled my eyes and sat back down, looking down at my shoes, why did he have to curse my girl? "Oh my God..." I heard Jakoby say, and I thought he was going to make another smart remark. "Reese!" Wei shouted Gray's last name and I turned around to see Gray, storming into the caf. My eyes widened at the site of her. Her mascara was pouring down her face as it followed her trail of tears, her face was paler than usual, and the ponytail her hair had been in earlier was now gone and her hair was just a mess, concealing almost all of her face. "Somebody!" she scream. "Help her, she's dying! Please?!" she continued. I rolled my eyes-probably just some dramatic act to get attention. I had ran out of my seat, being the first one to get to her. I took her wrists and shook her. Ten more seconds.... "Gray!" I shouted in her face, still shaking her body slightly. "Gray!" I remember calling her name several more times until she calmed herself. I looked into her light eyes and quickly realized that this wasn't a joke, she was deadly serious. "What happened?" I practically whispered, scared deeply. I hadn't noticed that a whole bunch of other pathetic losers had gathered around us, wondering what had happened. Gray paused, two more seconds.... "Silas." She said and put her hands on my chest. "Felicia is dead." That was it. That was the bomb that ruined my reality, but opened a whole new door. Her four words changed me, for better or for worse I still can't tell. The words made me numb, made me angry, made me depressed, but they gave me freedom. I remember this like it was yesterday. Oh ****, it was yesterday. Like it? :]
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Best Answers: Smoke and Paint; The beginning to the novel I'm writing? Opinions on the piece? :)?

Cheyenne Cheyenne | 8 days ago
wow! its really good! i wnna keep reading you should send it to me in a email when its done haha
👍 144 | 👎 8
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Cheyenne Originally Answered: Please rate this piece of writing and I need some criticism ( short and the beginning)?
This is a really cool idea, good job! Keep working on it. I'd like to see Elisabeth, like this really depressed girl who needs something to live for or something. It reminds me a little of It's a Wonderful Life since she's a guardian angel. There's one thing that I'm not too sure about. If she came from EverLasting, which I imagine as a type of heaven, why wouldn't she be able to find her? She should know some things about the girl if she wanted to take on the quest; at least some basic facts like where she'd go to school or where she lives. She could still be dodging the angel, but that might be a little easier. Also, I'm not familiar with California, but does it really snow there? It might be a style thing, but it always jars me a little when a writer speaks like they're talking to someone. "I'm sorry to rain on your imagination." Also, snowing for the billionth time is a little overkill so bring it down a notch. Maybe snowing for hours or something. When she says she's cold & hungry it might be interesting to say she's not used to having a human body - or it had been a long time since she'd been alive herself. You could really get into this! Good luck, I really like it!
Cheyenne Originally Answered: Please rate this piece of writing and I need some criticism ( short and the beginning)?
All righty, lets see. You could try not to release so much information so quickly- there's no mystery to knowing everything about a character's life. Give time for their personality to shine, rather than their past and present. You could bulk it up by making her do something that leads on to revealing something, like, instead of saying 'I'm Elisabeth Hope's guardian angel' show her going to Elisabeth and mentioning after a bit of acting like an angel that she actually is one. A little more imagery would be nice as well, but otherwise it's fairly good for a 13 year old. However, DO NOT use your age as an excuse, to make people give you praise or go easy on you and make big mistakes sound like little things. I'm a 14 year old writing addict, and trust me, you don't get anywhere if you can't take some harsh critiques, as it makes you and your writing stronger. Good luck with it, anyway. I hope this story works out for you. :)
Cheyenne Originally Answered: Please rate this piece of writing and I need some criticism ( short and the beginning)?
This is such a cool story! It could definitely be a short story, or a book, even. This is really good. :) I like how it just pulls you in with the first few sentences. Edits: In the second sentence, it's "halos", not "halo's", as "halos" is plural, as in, "How many halos do you have?" but "halo's" is possessive singular, as in "the halo's golden glow". Maybe instead of this, "All around me men with professional looking, black brief cases and business women with Starbucks coffee in their hands walked in their own, separate directions." It could be this: "All around me, men with professional looking, black briefcases and business women with Starbucks coffee in their hands, walked in their own, separate directions." Just a few strategic comma placements can help a sentence. To clear up these two sentences a little you could switch some words around. Instead of, "I mean no one else was volunteering for the job so I figured why couldn’t I do it? Now, I’m down here on earth to find her and warn her before it’s too late of who she really is." You could try, "I mean, no one else was volunteering for the job, so I figured why couldn’t I do it? Now, I’m down here on earth to find her and warn her of who she is, before it's too late." Ending with a bit of mystery keeps your readers hooked. (Why does the angel need to warn her? Who is she, really? What happens is she doesn't find her before it's "too late"?) Also, it says, "...gave up on this whole quest thing. Carmela and Oceania." then starts a new paragraph. Probably just a typo, or cut-and-paste messed up. I hope I don't make you mad with my criticism, lol. I really think this is a cool story and has a lot of potential! :)
Cheyenne Originally Answered: Please rate this piece of writing and I need some criticism ( short and the beginning)?
I love the way the story flows. You lead one thing to another without awkward pauses, and the character digresses well. The writing, however, doesn't flow so well, although with a little more time you could practice using connectives in a more appropriate and interesting way. Although this isn't the type of story that I would read, I can easily see the appeal to fantasy-nuts of your age. You definitely have talent so don't let your age get in the way of anything. Good luck and keep writing.

Cheyenne Originally Answered: I'm looking for some opinions on this piece of writing?
It's not bad...but. You're trying to build up tension but you're failing. I've done a quick edit for you so that you can judge for yourself how it might be improved. Chris fidgeted impatiently, twiddling with the ends of his jacket. He brought a cigarette to his lips, lit it and enjoyed the flicker of warmth on his face. He was in his usual position, hunched over, hood up and wary. In his pocket he could feel the blade, a cold slice of protection. A precaution, just a precaution he told himself. He didn’t think he had it in him to use it. His heart thumped from fear or anticipation, he wasn't sure which. Apart from the clink of broken glass at his feet, there was nothing to break the silence. ‘Put that out, you tosser,’ Ryan's voice spat from nowhere. Chris’s fingers jerked and the cigarette dropped to the floor. ‘Don’t sneak up on me like that.’ ‘Shut it. Come on.’ ‘Where are we going?’ ‘To see the f*cking wizard, all right? Now, move!’. Ryan grabbed Chris’s arm and pulled him so that his body gave a lurch. When people touched him, Chris was hit with a torrent of emotions. Mostly anger, tinged with fear. He supposed it had something to do with his stepfather. If it wasn’t for the fact that Ryan was a scrawny kid, Chris would have punched him through a wall. ‘So where’s this wizard then?’ ‘Street over.’ Ryan’s eyes glinted rolling back and forth like marbles. ‘I know the guy – he’s a w*nker. Ratted on me to the Thomas’s that I was nicking booze from their shop.’ Chris’s stomach rolled. He’d heard Parker say that you were only a true member when you didn’t give a sh*t about nobody. That’s ok, he’d said, people like him were born not to care. He remembered how he’d been punched on the arm and told he was a f*cking legend. But that didn’t stop the discomfort in his stomach right now. ‘What are we doing exactly?' Ryan grinned in what he thought was a guilt free way; only his teeth were clenched together. ‘Nothin’. He was in the war. Got a few army medals. Heard him bragging to my mum about it. They’re worth a bit.’ Chris didn’t like the feeling of dread that had crawled up his gullet but he ignored it and walked behind Ryan. When he stopped suddenly they nearly collided. ‘Watch it, you clumsy pr*ck.’ Ryan scowled; his moods were unpredictable, but he generally stayed pissed off. They had stopped outside a building with steel shutters on the windows and dark stains along the brick. Ryan forced the gate open, but steadied it so it wouldn’t clang. Shadowing him, Chris wandered in, glancing up at the closed curtains nervously. Ryan's head was tilted in thought. There was a window left slightly ajar on the second floor. He turned to Chris, a broad grin etched across his face. ‘D’you want a leg up?’ ‘I’m not going in there.’ ‘What’s the matter – you scared?’ ‘No!’ anger seared inside him; it simmered, but wasn’t bubbling over yet. ‘That could be his f*cking bedroom, man!’ ‘Is little baby Chris too chicken to bust into the slimy old git’s house?’ Ryan laughed, enjoying his moment of fun. ‘F*ck off!’ Chris forced himself into Ryan's chest and rebounded. Ryan was springy, and didn’t fall easy. ‘You watch yourself, Tyler,’ he said, his eyes mere slits. ‘You never know when you might slip up. And you know what’ll happen then, don’t you?’ He kicked a can violently; it clanged on a metal bin and ricocheted into the street. Chris knew. Ryan grinned wickedly. ‘After you.’
Cheyenne Originally Answered: I'm looking for some opinions on this piece of writing?
not too undesirable. the 1st few sentences contradicted one yet another. to illustrate, “bypass away,” I murmured, holding up my gun. “i don't opt to kill you, so purely piss off.” Your character is somewhat a frustrating a$$, yet she's murmuring? that would not make experience, you're able to try employing a be conscious with a greater assertive connotation. occasion 2, "She walked with self belief and additionally slightly with worry, i could desire to experience and experience it." not purely became into this sentence confusing, yet you have been showing rather of telling. sure, the assailant became into strolling with self belief and you have been waiting to "experience" and "experience" it yet how have been you waiting to %. up in this? it may be less complicated for the reader in case you created a seen image(what did you spot that led you to this end?). additionally this actual word purely did not experience dazzling, "worry etching over all of her features now". i'm getting what you have been tying to place across yet i think of you're able to be able to desire to discover a greater eloquent thank you to assert it. to illustrate: worry colored her expression yet became into immediately washed away/replaced via/with confusion.

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