Originally Answered: Do you find this story hot and erotic?
Go to your library and pick up a romance that is NOT in the young adult fiction.
The beginning is fine. You're able to paint a picture but towards the middle and end when the 'sex' starts...it is...hmm... :/
Have you ever heard of foreplay? o.O
The first sex scene of most romance are detailed in foreplay or is a continuation of continuous teasing from earlier chapter. You go from taking the clothes off to him pentrating her. No build up, no sensual leading into. It is not hot nor steamy. Unless he is gonna be thrusting inside of her for two more pages (and even then ...) , your sex scene is gonna be bland, short, and quick.
Where is the foreplay??? Even if it is not a 'sex' scene, there is nothing to get all erotic about. HE didn't fondle with her breasts, they didn;t kiss except for that one time. There was no hands roaming about. She's a virgin, she didn't even reach out to touch his penis. There's nothing to make the reader go 'mmmm'.
"AS his huge mener entered her" ...and all they did was kiss? She was not in pain? No croonings or words of comfort? Just 'bam, in it goes, yea baby feels good doesn't it?.' o.o
Here's how I would've written a part of it. This is from the top of my head so my names will vary and watnot: "John brought her lips up to his, kissing her. He moved his hands to her bikini, unwrapping the ties. Liz felt the air on her bare breast as she was stripped naked. She pulled back slightly form him, gasping when he began touching her breasts.
'They're beautiful.' John stared at them, mesmerized. Liz felt her face heat up. She shook her head, embarrassed.
'I'm not.' She pulled back form him, covering her breasts with her arms, suddenly shy.
John smiled and brought his hand up to carres her chek, moving closer to her. 'You are.' He carefully moved her hands away, kissing her again as his hands went back to touching her breast. Liz felt his breathing quicken. He pulled away from him, breathing hard, his cheeks ruddy. He moved his lips from hers to her ear. "You are beautiful Liz." He felt her shudder against him. John pulled back slightl and took his hand in hers, guiding it to the hardening bulge in his trunks.
Liz eyes widened as she felt him. She stared at John, shock and intrigue in her eyes. He smiled at her and began moving her hands up and down on him a few times before letting go. Liz's mouth opened, but no sound came out. She continue touching John, feeling him harden and grow. She could feel the heat coming form him."
Eh, this is a rough sketch. Depending on how much you want to emphasize certain aspects, it can be longer or shorter. Depending on how sweet or rough you want it to be protratyed as will also effect your word choice.
The easiest way though, is to really just pick up a romance in the adult section or go online and find some erotic stories to read.
You can take a look at lustylirary.com. Their stories are quite well written and prolly the closest thing you can find online. If you want some examples of actual published authors you can google Joey W. Hill's website (i blv it's storywitch.com or something). She's an erotica writer (very good) but has free short stories online.
Hope this helps.
In regads to Serenedip's answer. Your first time must've hurt like heck then and I'm sorry for the pain. For the first time, there is pain but it does not last throughout the whole act. There might be uncomfort but pain should not be occuring throughout and in a degree that hurts you. If there is, you and your partner did not spend time arousing you. And in terms of writing, love scenes are meant to protray an emotional and phsycial connection (the same in reality...i hope o.O) The pleasure should overwhelm the pain, first time or not.