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I need someone to revise my Intro paragraph! My professor said my Intro was very wrong and I need help?

I need someone to revise my Intro paragraph! My professor said my Intro was very wrong and I need help? Topic: Writing the body paragraphs in an essay
July 21, 2019 / By Abbygale
Question: Through out all of my years in school, I have developed a special writing technique which I adapted in my freshmen year of high school. In my formal high school every student must write in the Modern Language Association format also known as the MLA. This format helped me write in an efficient and neat writing structure. I acquired the habit of writing an outline before writing the essay. Which helped me see and understand the essay more clearly. I structure my writing into five or more complete paragraphs. An introduction which contains the thesis along with the attention grabber, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion summarizing the essay and repeating the thesis statement.
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Best Answers: I need someone to revise my Intro paragraph! My professor said my Intro was very wrong and I need help?

Stef Stef | 6 days ago
I have revised your introduction. **************************************... I have developed a special writing technique which I created in my freshmen year of high school. In high school every student is required write in the Modern Language Association format (MLA) , this format helped me to significantly improve my sentence structure. I acquired the habit of writing an outline before writing the essay which in turn helped me to see and understand the essay more clearly. I now carefully organize my writing into five or more complete paragraphs. It is organized in this format, the introduction which includes the thesis, three body paragraphs, a conclusion summarizing the essay and repeating the thesis statement. **************************************... (You can elaborate on how much it has helped you write more effectively) Explain a bit more and give some examples of how your writing style was before.)
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We found more questions related to the topic: Writing the body paragraphs in an essay


Stef Originally Answered: Someone plz plz help me with a intro and conclusion paragraph?
Maybe you could do something along the lines of "Technology has come a long way in the 20th century. Tv's are large and display high-definition images, cell phones are small and have as many features as some computers, and cars are forever changing, becoming faster, more economic, more luxurious. But what is the sacrifice that society makes for these luxuries?" If you don't use such decorative language, re-word it to suit you. For the closing paragraph, just shortly restate what you wrote in your report and finish maybe with an ethical question that requires the teachers to have a think. Like "but where would we be without this technology?"
Stef Originally Answered: Someone plz plz help me with a intro and conclusion paragraph?
As far as an introduction goes, try and start with something interesting. Most readers tell the tone of your essay from the first sentence. It's usually good to avoid definitions because they're rather cliche. I would start by talking about the widespread electronic use by the world today. Go into the affects it has had on the human population...maybe talk about how it both brings us together but can isolate us from each other really easily. Then end your introduction with your thesis, the point you're trying to make throughout the paper. For the conclusion, this would be a good topic to expand on and say where the use of electronics is likely to lead us and what further problems it may cause in the future. You also may want to go into how we could fix the problem of isolation and "plugging in" way too much. Hope that helps. :)
Stef Originally Answered: Someone plz plz help me with a intro and conclusion paragraph?
intro: Come and knock on our door..... We've been waiting for you...... Where the kisses are hers and hers and his, Three's company too. speaking of t.v.....

Ozzy Ozzy
Throughout all my years in school, I have developed a special writing technique which i adapted in my freshmen year of high school. In my formal high school, every student must write in the Modern Language Association format, also known as MLA. This format helped me write in an efficient and neat writing structure. I acquired the habit of writing an outline before writing the essay, which helped me see and understand the essay more clearly. I structure my writing into five or more compete paragraphs; an introduction, which contains the thesis, along with the attention grabber, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion summarizing the essay and repeating the thesis statement. All you did wrong was the punctuation was a little off but i fixed your paragraph, in case you want to look over it.
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Ozzy Originally Answered: May someone please check if my intro paragraph contains a thesis?
There are a few sentences in there that could pass for thesis statements, so it's a little unclear what your main point is. Pick one main point that the rest of your paper will support. I'm guessing the last one is the closest to your goal, but you should rephrase it to indicate firmly how YOU want the issue to be resolved. Perhaps it would be, "To ensure the safety of all Americans, laws need to be passed in every state that prohibit illegal immigrants from obtaining driver's licenses" or "The government must take steps to insure that illegal immigrants are not able to get driver's licenses." Then I would rework the earlier part of the paragraph to give a more factual and less passionate background on the problem. Who has been debating this issue? What laws already exist in different states? Can you quote anyone interesting on the subject? What is an example of mayhem that has happened? Save the reasons for your opinion (potential security risk, rewarding illegal behavior, unlawfulness, etc.) for the rest of the paper. Good luck, hope you get a good grade!
Ozzy Originally Answered: May someone please check if my intro paragraph contains a thesis?
i think of your paragraph ought to apply some reorganizing and tightening up (to not point out you may verify it heavily for grammar blunders). I rearranged your sentences: integrate those 2 sentences to start the paragraph: [For the previous decade, there has been a extensive debate whether or not unlawful immigrants could have the staggering to acquire motive force licenses.] [This undertaking should be certain right now in the previous added mayhem from occurring, and for the protection of united statesa.’s public, and community.] The physique of the paragraph is purely too lengthy and repetitive: [This undertaking have sparked controversy, and brought about multiple issues for the US. the prospect of paying for an stable checklist for unlawful extraterrestrial beings could grant a ability protection probability in direction of united statesa.. Granting a drivers license to unlawful immigrants is tantamount to helpful somebody for unlawful habit, and this counters each and every thing people have confidence in this u . s .. It’s unlawful for every physique to help or help an unlawful immigrant.] This seems to me like your thesis fact: [man or woman states could stumble on a answer to ban unlawful immigrants from paying for motive force's licenses]

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