Topic: Go see think do problem solving
June 15, 2019 / By September Question:
I have been with this guy for a little over a year and he claims to love me but I feel it is for what I can do for him rather than truly loving me. I have love for him but not in love with him anymore and he knows this (I have told him numerous times) but our situation is complicated. I am going to college full time and his income pays the bills while I cook, clean, the womanly household tasks (the things I can do for him). I have no where else to go and he has already tried to commit suicide 2 or 3 times over a woman leaving him. I want to date other people but he won't let go of a relationship, that in my heart and mind, isn't there anymore. When I try to talk to him about it he gets irate and offensive about it and threatens to cause harm to anyone I see. He knows I don't love him and he won't admit that what he has for me is more of a need rather than love. Our "relationship" has gone from loving each other to being together out of necessity for one another. How do I get him to understand that we can live together but not as a couple? I know this is unhealthy but we honestly have no choice but to live like this, I have been a loner my whole life and have no one I can turn to when I need a place to stay for a while and I have tried to hold a job but my grades dropped drastically while I was trying to make sure to get to work each day, so I had to quit them. And he can't honestly support himself unless it's on hot dogs and bologna. I help out with what ever I can by doing things around the house and financially with what I get from tuition money. (Note: He gets disability for not being able to problem solve, doctors put him on it when he was 17, he's 32 now. Pretty much he can't comprehend common sense).
How do I get him to understand that we aren't meant for each other and that we should nip it in the bud now before it gets too far into it? I want him to at least try to see other people and, who knows, maybe we will realize one of 2 things: we truly aren't good together or we are perfect. Either way I want to find out but he's not willing to even try.
Please refrain from anything rude. I am a smart girl and know how wrong this sounds but unless you have been in the same situation you really have no room to judge.
I have no family to turn to and he's not abusive, his mental condition (he was born with it) causes him to say things before he thinks about them but he has never (in his 32 years) acted on them other than his suicide attempts, which he has been hospitalized for. His dad is having to go through another heart transplant and I am the only one with the brains to organize the fundraisers to get him from Arkansas to Minnesota for the appointments.
And it's not a matter of convincing myself we need each other, it's a fact, others are the ones that made me aware of it, not my own thoughts. I know he's not my responsibility but it's the saying, once you get with someone your issues become theirs and vice versa? Well technically we are still living together so he is my responsibility. Right?
Nethaneel | 1 day ago
I do not judge you.
I know you feel there is no where to go but there are always options.
Talk to a counselor at your college, for example, or look in the papers for any live in situations that might allow you a place to live and some freedom to study.
Maybe apply for study abroad scholarships.
What about your family? You must come from somewhere? And someone? Do you sincerely have no where to turn?
It would be worth the price of self respect to put your schooling back to part time...or join the military or some other thing that allows you the opportunity to work/go to school. There MUST be something.
You are NOT responsible for whether he harms himself...but you can notify authorities of your concern (and his caseworkers) as you DO move out.
IF he can make a hot dog or a baloney sandwich...he can choose to eat a turkey sandwich...he can pour himself a bowl of cereal....he can do stuff like that. And if he can't? He must have a family somewhere.
Stay if you like...your life is yours to live.
I do not think you can stay there and NOT be a couple. It doesn't sound like he'd be able to handle that...and you're not in love. Soooo you have a choice to make and only you can make it. Good luck.
I suggest you break up. That's manipulative for him to threaten to hurt anyone including himself. You guys don't need each other in my opinion. Being in a relationship like that is scary so I'd try to get out and seek help if he's going to hurt people. But he's not your responsibility to fix. You sound like your miindset is that you depend on each other and have no where else to go, but I'd try to go and maybe stay with family or something.