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Can someone please score,correct or comment my SAT essay?

Can someone please score,correct or comment my SAT essay? Topic: Journalism essays
June 15, 2019 / By Hizkiah
Question: assignment :can success be disastrous? Success is a symbol of self-accomplishment and self-pride, which is a goal people pursue with concerted effort throughout our lives. However, it can be disastrous when people use the wrong way to secure it or when people get too overwhelmed by the triumph when obtaining it to use it right. Take an example from Chinese history, during the late Qing Dynasty, an influential official named Yuan Shikai ,who made the child emperor Puyi abdicate to help the revolutionaries in return for being granted the position of President of the Republic of China, wielded his leverage over other officials to revive monarchy ,which was totally opposite to the revolutionaries’ intention. He wanted to earn support to restore monarchy with every fiber of his being, so he promised some of Japan’s invading demands, bringing immeasurable damage to his country. He traded his nationals’ future for his own success. His success played the negative drive at the point. Another example is about one of my classmates .She was very passionate about journalism and she had always sunk her teeth into it .With her assiduity and outstanding reports, she was elected the leader of the news club. Driven by devouring ambition, she endeavored to catch more students’ attention, but she kind of went astray. She stopped at nothing to get juicy tabloids and sometimes even intruded some students’ privacy. She failed to benefit others with her success; instead, her success drove her to the dark side of her talent. Both examples illustrate success can be disastrous when being misconstrued its essence. Success can be a motivation to keep one achieving one’s goal as well as a means to contribute one’s power to our society and it should mean one’s responsibility to help more people and the society with the very capability one has rather than spell a disaster in one’s morality after all.
Best Answer

Best Answers: Can someone please score,correct or comment my SAT essay?

Elton Elton | 7 days ago
I edit student papers on a, somewhat, regular basis. No offense intended but yours is fairly typical. Extremely long complex sentences are an example of someone writing to IMPRESS rather than EXPRESS. I rewrote the introductory paragraph as I would for anyone else. I have included it below. If you want additional help; email my profile and send a real email address. The 1500 characters limit is unacceptable for this type of work. I tell all clients that I am brutal in my assessments. But, I also tell them that they have to sign the work so the final decision on any suggestion I make is theirs. Success is the result of self-accomplishment and nourishes ones self-pride. It is a goal people pursue with concerted effort throughout our lives. It can be disastrous. When people use the wrong means to secure success or when people become overwhelmed by the triumphs; problems can ensue. Both results can easily lead to a self serving attitude and frequently to the gross misuse of the power their success has garnered them. This was a very quick rewrite. If you use me, I reserve the right to further tune it. OK, the ball is in your court. Cheers GIMP
👍 242 | 👎 7
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Elton Originally Answered: Can someone please score,correct or comment my SAT essay?
I edit student papers on a, somewhat, regular basis. No offense intended but yours is fairly typical. Extremely long complex sentences are an example of someone writing to IMPRESS rather than EXPRESS. I rewrote the introductory paragraph as I would for anyone else. I have included it below. If you want additional help; email my profile and send a real email address. The 1500 characters limit is unacceptable for this type of work. I tell all clients that I am brutal in my assessments. But, I also tell them that they have to sign the work so the final decision on any suggestion I make is theirs. Success is the result of self-accomplishment and nourishes ones self-pride. It is a goal people pursue with concerted effort throughout our lives. It can be disastrous. When people use the wrong means to secure success or when people become overwhelmed by the triumphs; problems can ensue. Both results can easily lead to a self serving attitude and frequently to the gross misuse of the power their success has garnered them. This was a very quick rewrite. If you use me, I reserve the right to further tune it. OK, the ball is in your court. Cheers GIMP
Elton Originally Answered: Can someone please score,correct or comment my SAT essay?
Post this essay on my message board, and I'll give you a quite accurate (maybe a slightly harsh, but that's fine for practices) assessment.

Clay Clay
Post this essay on my message board, and I'll give you a quite accurate (maybe a slightly harsh, but that's fine for practices) assessment.
👍 100 | 👎 2

Clay Originally Answered: Could you please correct my 126 essay?
I really like it, except that, number one, if this is a persuasive you can't have any pronouns, I, or you. So, that kind of kills the whole paragraph. Hopefully, you didn't make that mistake. I like word choice it really gives a good image on what you're trying to talk about. I give it an A- paragraph, overall its good, although the ending shows that you're directing it to the reader. Who are you directing this at? The teacher probably knows, but I'm asking because it makes it a bit easier to edit. :) Good Job! Hope I could help.
Clay Originally Answered: Could you please correct my 126 essay?
overall very very very good. i would add a comma here: ...people are scared to associate themselves with the likes of you*, * fearing that they too will ... and i wouldn't use the word "you" so much unless this is intended for one specific reader because it seems like you are pointing out one person in particular. instead use "one"... "...but then why, why does one judge? why does one pass the torch of unforgiveness, why do they set aflame the fire of hatred? why, why does one discriminate" it sound more intelligent that way (im not doubting you intelligence her. just making a statement) hope that helps. its a very good paragraph and i wish i could read the rest

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