Is this small excerpt from my book good? Advice on improvement?

Is this small excerpt from my book good? Advice on improvement? Topic: Case special events
June 16, 2019 / By Beryl
Question: " I can never, never forget how I felt for that special person in my heart long ago. In this case, i never stop feeling. It's mostly pain i feel, somehow intertwined with happiness. Pain Is loss. Happiness is knowing that he is happy, whether it be with me or not. as long as he is happy, so I will be. And I know no greater joy." In the book the main character ( girl) loves another guy though one had already fallen for her. Through allot of things that happen in this book to the three main characters of this fiction/adventure war book, set in an unknown time ( but with nothing matching historically and not seeming futuristic, due to lack of technology) So anyway what do you think of the excerpt from my book?
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Best Answers: Is this small excerpt from my book good? Advice on improvement?

Africah Africah | 3 days ago
Its really good! A thing of improvement (but it barely needs any) Instead of saying 'special person' just say their name. If you dont want to do that, say 'them' Because special person sounds kind of strange. But that is barely anything, your book sounds great! Cant wait to read it when it becomes a best-seller! Can i have advice on my book exerpt? (if you rate it best answer you can write comments, but you dont have to its ok) Here it is: The first thing I saw when I came to, was grey. Grey walls, grey ceiling, grey floor. I squinted, adjusting to the new darkness. My brain was slow and sluggish, and it took a few seconds before the initial shock kicked in. Where was I? I bolted upright, and a little too fast, it appeared. The second gravity tugged on my head, a searing pain echoed through my skull. “Aaaarrgg” I groaned and crunched my face, collapsing back onto the bed. I closed my eyes and sighed, recapping the events of the night before. What had happened? The memories were foggy, and achieved nothing but causing a dull ache in my forehead. Slowly, I propped myself up on my elbows, to get a clearer understanding of my surroundings. I glanced from the grey walls, to the metal bed, all the way across to the barred door. And then it struck me. I was in a cell.
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Africah Originally Answered: Is this excerpt from my book any good?
This seems like a pretty strong start. I would cut down some of the exposition, though. See if you can convey Alayna's initial disorientation with fewer words. It could probably be half as long and still have the same effect. Furthermore, try not to say things twice. By time you write, "She soothed my chaotic nerves as she spoke," you've already told us multiple times that Alayna is frightened. Perhaps, you could write, "Her voice soothed me." This is just an example of word economy that could help the pacing of your narrative. Finally, in the last paragraph, you might want to tell the reader where Alayna is waking up. I assume it is a classroom, but you don't say. Maybe that was going to be in your next paragraph. Good luck with the story. I'd read it.
Africah Originally Answered: Is this excerpt from my book any good?
It's now not extraordinarily written, simply now not some thing I'd learn. You did have a few mistaken grammar (it will have to be "TOO wealthy, TOO lucky...") and a entire lot of your sentences began with "Chloe ___________". A bit repetitive. Also, the tale is best for if you are simply writing it for a laugh, but when you are making plans on getting it released you will have to realize that now not everyone on the planet is aware of who Miley Cyrus and Hayden Paniterre are. I realize Miley Cyrus, however, regardless of being a 17-12 months-historic lady, I realize not anything approximately Hayden Paniterre rather than that she's popular. I do not know if she's an actress or a singer, what she did to turn out to be popular, what she appears like, and so on. You're going to ought to tone down the fame-isms so as to arrive a broader viewers.
Africah Originally Answered: Is this excerpt from my book any good?
I like it. Very descriptive and not over the top. I like the name too, I've never heard that name before. From the excerpt you wrote it sounds like a new and interesting story. It would help if you described the wolf's eyes. Maybe you should also describe the teachers voice, like a shrill or raspy voice. Good luck with your book and I wish you the best!

Thutmose Thutmose
you acquire my interest the third paragraph. i became shocked. you're stunning that it does prefer slightly sharpening. Your undertaking count is extremely insightful. i'm hoping which you're merely a solid tale teller and not a sufferer. i in my opinion use writing to artwork via issues and come across my inner self. I with reference to the section the place you wrote that the argument became meant to be approximately you and you weren't aside of it. This communique jogged my memory of my preteen and teen years. issues curiously have not replaced in fifty years.it is stunning as a results of fact there are parenting instructions obtainable for persons to benefit a thank you to commuicate with their kinfolk. You particular have a solid start up on a tale. i ask your self the way it ends?
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Thutmose Originally Answered: Small excerpt from a piece of writing. Thoughts?
Very nice premise and you could go far with it. Right now I'd say don't start it with the rain. You can mention it's raining, but any mention of weather of any kind in the first sentence - cliche. Try to start it with some sort of action, then you can go into the inner monologue and maybe the rain could start falling later. No need to say 'Of course I knew exactly how it happened.' It's not necessary and kind of obvious. I'm not sure what 'I would have much more' means. Seems a little early for back story but I like your idea of adding back story throughout. Just do it when something reminds her of her former life. Also, you already said you didn't want to think about it in the beginning. Watch being repetitious. I like that she's laughing about it, but I think it would be more believable if something set her off. Maybe some crazy bum says something totally out of the blue. Or maybe she's in a strange city and all the sights and sounds are completely new and exciting. Anything could happen! The idea is great! Lots of luck on it.
Thutmose Originally Answered: Small excerpt from a piece of writing. Thoughts?
that's actually really good. Only thing that jumped out at me was to wonder what about running away made her feel so free that she was laughing. What exactly made her laugh. If that wasn't said in an earlier part of the story, I'd add it here. As of the paragraphs not indenting... that's because these YA input things don't do formatting. you have to use an empty line between to separate paragraphs instead. sounds like a good story. :)

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