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Could you please correct my 126 essay?

Could you please correct my 126 essay? Topic: Image essays
July 20, 2019 / By Rowan
Question: The essays on discrimination. This is the third or fourth paragraph. It fits in pretty well though :P It goes in right before i talk about Muslim discrimination. Imagine living everyday in paranoia knowing that everywhere you go, everything you do is being observed and judged. Imagine walking into a convenience store or a clothing boutique and having someone watch your every movement thinking that you’re going to steal an item, or reveal a bomb from under your clothes. Close your eyes and envision being mocked at school everyday never knowing the true experience of companionship because people are scared to associate themselves with the likes of you fearing that they too will have judgment passed upon them. No one likes to be left out, but then why, why do you judge? Why do you pass the torch of unforgiveness, why do you set aflame the fire of hatred? Why, why do you discriminate?
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Best Answers: Could you please correct my 126 essay?

Nan Nan | 6 days ago
I really like it, except that, number one, if this is a persuasive you can't have any pronouns, I, or you. So, that kind of kills the whole paragraph. Hopefully, you didn't make that mistake. I like word choice it really gives a good image on what you're trying to talk about. I give it an A- paragraph, overall its good, although the ending shows that you're directing it to the reader. Who are you directing this at? The teacher probably knows, but I'm asking because it makes it a bit easier to edit. :) Good Job! Hope I could help.
👍 140 | 👎 6
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Nan Originally Answered: Could you please correct my 126 essay?
I really like it, except that, number one, if this is a persuasive you can't have any pronouns, I, or you. So, that kind of kills the whole paragraph. Hopefully, you didn't make that mistake. I like word choice it really gives a good image on what you're trying to talk about. I give it an A- paragraph, overall its good, although the ending shows that you're directing it to the reader. Who are you directing this at? The teacher probably knows, but I'm asking because it makes it a bit easier to edit. :) Good Job! Hope I could help.
Nan Originally Answered: Could you please correct my 126 essay?
overall very very very good. i would add a comma here: ...people are scared to associate themselves with the likes of you*, * fearing that they too will ... and i wouldn't use the word "you" so much unless this is intended for one specific reader because it seems like you are pointing out one person in particular. instead use "one"... "...but then why, why does one judge? why does one pass the torch of unforgiveness, why do they set aflame the fire of hatred? why, why does one discriminate" it sound more intelligent that way (im not doubting you intelligence her. just making a statement) hope that helps. its a very good paragraph and i wish i could read the rest

Lorene Lorene
overall very very very good. i would add a comma here: ...people are scared to associate themselves with the likes of you*, * fearing that they too will ... and i wouldn't use the word "you" so much unless this is intended for one specific reader because it seems like you are pointing out one person in particular. instead use "one"... "...but then why, why does one judge? why does one pass the torch of unforgiveness, why do they set aflame the fire of hatred? why, why does one discriminate" it sound more intelligent that way (im not doubting you intelligence her. just making a statement) hope that helps. its a very good paragraph and i wish i could read the rest
👍 50 | 👎 2

Katelin Katelin
The third sentence runs on. Perhaps "Imagine being mocked and ostracized at school because you're "different". Imagine having no close relationships outside of your own culture because others are afraid of being labeled as "one of THEM". You would not choose to be judged thusly; why, then, would you so judge others?
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Katelin Originally Answered: Can someone please score,correct or comment my SAT essay?
I edit student papers on a, somewhat, regular basis. No offense intended but yours is fairly typical. Extremely long complex sentences are an example of someone writing to IMPRESS rather than EXPRESS. I rewrote the introductory paragraph as I would for anyone else. I have included it below. If you want additional help; email my profile and send a real email address. The 1500 characters limit is unacceptable for this type of work. I tell all clients that I am brutal in my assessments. But, I also tell them that they have to sign the work so the final decision on any suggestion I make is theirs. Success is the result of self-accomplishment and nourishes ones self-pride. It is a goal people pursue with concerted effort throughout our lives. It can be disastrous. When people use the wrong means to secure success or when people become overwhelmed by the triumphs; problems can ensue. Both results can easily lead to a self serving attitude and frequently to the gross misuse of the power their success has garnered them. This was a very quick rewrite. If you use me, I reserve the right to further tune it. OK, the ball is in your court. Cheers GIMP

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