Topic: Five steps in writing a paragraph
July 21, 2019 / By Adrian Question:
This world was once a bursting expansion, waiting to be controlled. As countries fought to control land, their colonies were caught in the middle of it. The colonies, which could be found on all continents, their origins from varying countries, were like a samll oasis in a massively darkening universe. But soon, reality would strike these settlements and war had broken out among all communities. Many had stretched their borders beyond an antagonized limit, which abruptly transfixed the opposing. Because new land had been discovered, and all were yearning to have a piece of it.
But pioneering and colonizing had yet to cease, and a particular country would continue it for the longest possible fragment of time. A good-sized island rested calmly against the ocean. It was lush, open land practically begging to be brought to life. The sea waves favoringly pushed against it's sandy shores. A green refuge of tropical plant-life swayed gently in the breeze. This would be the perfect spot for an enriched colony. And that's exactly what took place, but not without the obstacles that unfortunately come along with everything.
The first settlers arrived on a cheery Sunday afternoon. The sunrays had welcomed them with thier tantalyzing beams of warmth. The island welcomed her new inhabitants. She offered them resources and sustenance to provide them a village, and successful life. Colonization had proven victorious.
Another country saw not only an island that was partially populated, but also a paradise of opportunity. Soon, they brought their own people to the island as well. The two colonies went for the longest time without noticing eachother, because they had been seperated by a thick tropical forest. Even with all of her nutritious and plentiful resources, the island struggled to support both societies. These nameless vilages became known as East and West. The East being the first settlement, and the West being the second. They were named these based on their cooardinal direction, but most islanders would argue it's because of where the sun rises, and where the sun sets.
One day, a man from the East was hacking away at a tree to refurnish his dilapidating roof. It was a large tree, the perfect tree, but it was located at the farthest outskirts of the woods. His axe left a deep gash in the lower parts of this massive tree, and it soon gave way in the opposite direction. Where the tree once was their was a paralel rectangle of light. The man stepped through, and witnessed a tiny village, not different from his own. Children, men, and women had all stared at him with heartened disbelief.
What was once a towering tree had fallen over ontop of what is now a pile of debri. It was one of the houses of this newly discovered village, and two people had been inside it when the house suddenly collapsed with the force of the fallen timber. They were dead.
This was the first interaction between the colonies, and definitely not an embraceful one. It turns out that the two people who had died were the West's mayor and his wife. Their deaths were tooken as a hostile attack at the foundation of their government, even though all in all it was a sadly done accident with a bitter consequence.
This ignited several altercations that seemed eternal between the two coastal villages. The island was weakened, and fell into a state of terrible damage beyond repair. Even the islanders seemed to fall into a similar state. The East and the West would never again live in any form of peace with one another. Because both knew that as long as the other still existed, there was a liable and threatening enemy just around the corner. For the island only has room for one town, and can only support two for a limited number of years. The last year is approaching, and it's one or none for the remaining islanders. Fate is a terrible friend, and a beautiful traitor.
I'm an aspiring author, and I think I'm an exceptionally well writer for a thirteen(almost 14) year old. But what do you think about the intro? It pretty much starts off where that ends. The 2 villages are at a heightened point of insecurity. Resources are drying up, and boundary issues are at a maximum.
And it's up to some teens(like 15) to stop the oncoming, inevitable battle between the two. It's teens from both villages. I plan on creating a lot of plot twists, and a certain aura of the story that attracts favorism of all readers.
I want it to focus more on the emotions and relationships of the villagers though. Not just the idea. Please give me your advice, and your thoughts. Thanks!
Stormie | 3 days ago
Well first of all . . . I really don't care if you're thirteen, or three years old. Never put you're age when you're asking for critique. You don't want to be good for your age do you? No. You want to be able to measure up to the best authors out there.
This sounds more like a fact-file in all honesty (except for paragraph three); a documented report. Maybe that is what you wanted, I don't know.
Also, some of it sound like you literally ate a thesaurus. Simple words do exist too, and sometimes they have an even greater effect.
Starting with 'One day' in the fifth paragraph sounds like you are about to tell us a children's story, and I don't think your novel is quite a fairytale.
There are also a few spelling mistakes that you should work out.
If you want to focus on the relationships, stop talking about colonization. Talk about their conflicts, their ways of life the clash or differ in such ways, it is inevitable for them to end up in war.
Happy Writing =D
Okay. It used to be particularly well it patches, however I nonetheless suppose that it demands extra proposal. I just like the tone that you just use, it used to be intriguing, and there have been a many traces that have been particularly good established and simply made me smile with the high-quality description. But, sure, I suppose that there is nonetheless extra to be built. Th starting is well, however then it used to be virtually as in the event you acquired too excited and swept the reader too rapid. Just gradual down and suppose approximately the phrases that you're writing, and particularly take into account it. The vampire factor used to be method too rapid, and speedy movement scenes like that may be rapid within the man or woman's time, however only a velocity slower to the reader. Let the reader digest what you're pronouncing; there is an artwork to stringing your sentences in combination in order that it sort of feels rapid however does not pass over the reader's head. Just watch out. Take the hand of your reader ans sweep them away on her travel that guarantees that you can under no circumstances allow pass.